In this spoof of World War II, René Artois runs a café in German-occupied France. He always seems to have his hands full: He's having affairs with most of his waitresses, he's keeping his wife happy, he's trying to please the German soldiers who frequent his café, and he's running a major underground operation for the Resistance.
Rene Artois, owner of the Cafe Rene in the French village of Nouvion, is 'persuaded' by the Resistance to hide two escaping British airmen. Rene is more interested in having affairs with his two waitresses without his wife finding out.
The Colonel & the Captain mull over their situation and decide they should probably hand over René and the painting to the Gestapo in order to get rid of Herr Flick. But René convinces them that they could hand over a forged copy of the painting instead (with the assistance of a conveniently-located forger), and gets them to lend their uniforms to the escaping British officers so the Brits can take the painting to England to be forged.
After the Colonel´s and the Captain´s uniforms are borrowed by the British airmen, and later burned, they will have to send for replacement uniforms. Supplied by Michelle are carrier pigeons, which madame Edith accidentally cooks and serves to Herr Otto Flick.
The Colonel & the Captain and Herr Flick are all disguised as onion sellers while the German uniforms are being remade by the Jewish tailors of London. Michelle delivers a bottle of nitro-glycerin disguised as a bottle of Bols Gin to hide in the Cafe until they come to fetch it that night to blow up a German railway
Hans mistakes the nitro for gin and accidentally blows up the railway himself! The Germans capture René, Yvette, and the peasant-disguised Colonel and Captain. As Helga, LeClerc, and Edith each attempt to help the gang escape, General Von Klinkerhoffen arrives in town and demands that the only known saboteur be shot. This means - René's death by firing squad, with Lieutenant Gruber in charge of the squad!
René tries to go back to his normal life after his fake execution, posing as his twin brother, also named René, but the funeral arrangements are difficult when there is no body, Monsieur LeClerc is cheaper than the regular priest and the coffin is filled with anti-tank bombs.
The communist résistance wants to make a martyr out of the dead René, and kidnaps the Colonel and the Captain at the Captain's birthday party. To make matters worse, they offer them on a platter to René´s twin brother René, so that he can shoot them.
After the British airmen are gone for good - or so René thinks - there is still the problem of Herr Flick owning all three copies of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies (one original and two fakes), and while Herr Flick kidnaps Lieutenant Gruber (a former art house worker), the Colonel and the Captain start to plan their next move.
René is caught in a dilemma when he must choose between the women he loves: his waitresses Yvette and Marie, and his wife Edith, who as his widow has all his money. Unfortunately he cannot bring himself to woo Edith again, so Edith seeks the attention that she can get, from other suitors in town.
We pick up the action mere moments after the close of the previous episode, as the airmen-filled cow narrowly escape being milked by a German patrol while awaiting the landing of the plane. As they watch disappointedly, the plane does not land, instead jettisoning two parachutes, one of which yields a new escape package. The other yields Officer Crabtree, sent from "British Ontelligence Headquitters" - disguised a policeman, he is supposed to blend in. Unfortunately, his French is abominable, getting the vowels wrong as often as not... Meanwhile, the plan to blow up the non-painting-filled knockwurst on its way to Hitler has hit a snag - Rene can't find anyone to blow up the train.
Rene and Captain Hans Geering in their borrowed armoured car are ambushed by the Resistance who mistake them for an ammunition convoy. Monsieur Alfonse feels sufficiently encouraged to propose marriage to Edith, Rene's wife.
Whilst the balloon is ready for the take off the cowardly René tries to duck out of the duel with Monsieur Alfonse. Gruber, who is in love with him, offers to be his second, whilst von Strohm and Geering plan to kill Alfonse before the duel can take place. However the plan is thwarted when Hitler, having discovered that there was no painting on the train, orders Flick to arrest the culprits, whom Flick knows to be the German officers. René therefore is forced to take part in the duel.
The Colonel, Captain and Rene are captured by the Gestapo and taken to the dungeons of the chateau where they are interrogated by Herr Flick.
General Von Klinkerhoffen has taken personal control of the district. The Resistance decide that their operations will be inhibited by the General's presence and so decree that he must be blown up. The Colonel comes to a similar conclusion, deciding on poison, while Herr Flick is no longer prepared to tolerate the General's interference and elects to terminate the General's appointment with a poisoned dart.
Rene is ordered to steal a Vintage plane; the Communist Resistance steals the Fallen Madonna and Rene is ordered to pay the ransom.
Monsieur Alfonse gets his money back - or does he? Gruber reveals the Fallen Madonna is a forgery - or is it? Rene still has to steal a vintage plane - but can he?
With Maria and the Fallen Madonna caught by Von Klinkerhoffen , a brave rescue attempt is planned. In fact, three brave rescue attempts!
In order to get the airmen back to Blighty Rene and co disguise themselves as roadworkers, but as usual it all ends in a right nause-up.
Von Klinkerhoffen requisitions a worthless painting from the cafe, in which Rene has hidden the Fallen Madonna, and Michelle plans to find uniforms for the airmen.
Gruber is knee-deep in the forgeries he has to make and Rene is knee-deep in a tunnel as part of his quest to find the British airmen their uniforms.
Rene and co are still stuck in a German POW camp. A series of desperate escape plans is instigated - with only partial success.
Join Rene and co where they were left last week, escaping from a German POW camp dressed as girls from the Folies-Berge¨re....
The Resistance supply a new waitress for Cafe René, and Mussolini sends an Italian liaison officer to work with the Colonel.
Herr Flick suspects the Colonel and General Von Klinkerhoffen of plotting to assassinate Hitler. René and co attempt to establish radio contact with England using an oversized kite and an undersized nun.
General Von Klinkerhoffen arrests Irma von Kinkenrotten (aka Herr Flick). Meanwhile René is inundated with sausages containing paintings, batteries, dynamite ... and garlic.
Colonel Von Klinkerhoffen visits the local vineyards for a wine-tasting, where the Resistance provides him with a very special vintage and throws in an exploding wheelchair for good measure.
Helga and Von Smallhausen rescue Herr Flick from prison where he is being held (disguised as stenographer Irma Von Kinkenrotten ) by General Von Klinkerhoffen. Rene is forced to assist - who else, after all, can masquerade as Heinrich Himmler, head of the Gestapo?
Once Rene has been rescued from prison (disguised as stenographer Irma Von Kinkenrotten) and Mimi has stolen the colonel's film (while he is being distracted by Yvette with some wet celery) and Michelle of the Resistance has delivered the secret camera (disguised as a potato), all that remains for Rene to do is to find Gruber's bedroom and photograph the safe containing the plans for the German invasion of England!
Rene's photograph of the safe in Gruber's bedroom (containing the plans for the German invasion of England) is identified by Leclerc as a Kaisenhoff Rosenbaum Swartzburger 16-Lever Multi-Counter Mark Three. Leclerc and Rene are to blow the safe; Edith is to create a diversion by dropping a smoke cannister down Gruber's chimney. Now, was it the third or the fourth chimney counting from the west?
Rene and Leclerc manage to crack open the safe in Lieutenant Gruber's bedroom - but instead of the plans for the invasion of England, they find the original Fallen Madonna by VAN CLOMP , and the Cracked Vase with the Big Daisies by VAN GOGH. After borrowing Gruber's uniform, they escape with the paintings, only to be taken prisoner by the Communist Resistance. Edith's rescue attempt, using Gruber's tank, is thwarted by the town convenience.
Rene is about to suffer foul torture at the hands of Denise Laroque, former lion tamer and now the feared leader of the Communist Resistance, when his strawberry-shaped birthmark is accidentally revealed. She immediately recognises Rene as her long-lost childhood sweetheart and vows to marry him at the earliest opportunity. It seems the last man to turn her down was thrown off the Eiffel Tower....
Rene's marriage to Denise Laroque, the feared leader of the Communist Resistance, has been arranged - much to the dismay of Edith, his waitresses and, not least, Lt Gruber. As the wedding day looms ever nearer, various plans are laid to save him from his fate.
Disguised as his father, Rene seeks protection from the wrath of Denise Laroque.
A threat to Edith's life and General Von Klinkerhoffen 's forthcoming meeting to discuss the invasion plans bring Rene out in little lumps.
With the special apparatus supplied by the Resistance and a diversion created by Edith, Rene sets about photographing the invasion plans.
When orders are given for Rene to be arrested and shot, Monsieur Leclerc produces some of his best work with explosive results.
Rene, reprieved, heaves a sigh of relief - until, that is, General Von Klinkerhoffen reconvenes the meeting of the generals to discuss the invasion of England.
A medal for bravery, a suicide pill and a hide-out in the Vatican introduce an old habit to Rene.
Rene and Leclerc escape from the Communist Resistance.
When it is revealed that the one million francs stolen from the bank belong to Herr Flick of the Gestapo, the best place to hide them seems to be down Rene's trousers.
Rene has succeeded in getting rid of the stolen Gestapo money and, using the long-distance duck, he should be able to get rid of the microfilm containing the German plans for the invasion of England. But what can he do with the nymphomaniac Communist Resistance girls hiding in his cupboard?
While under interrogation, Alfonse's dicky ticker starts playing up and he is whisked to hospital. He must be either rescued or eliminated before he can spill the beans about the stolen Gestapo money.
A new bold, daring crackbrained plan to get the British airmen back to England is hatched by Michelle and Crabtree; the Colonel and Lt Gruber plant the hot Gestapo money on Captain Bertorelli and snitch on him to Herr Flick.
Leclerc has been arrested on suspicion of stealing the forged Gestapo million francs and is to be executed unless the money is returned; unfortunately Edith's mother has cooked it in the oven.
Faced with the problem of hiding 1,000 kilos of stolen high explosive, Michelle of the Resistance decides on a simple but daring course of action. It will be hidden in 500 Christmas puddings.
After narrowly escaping being blown up by the 258 exploding Christmas puddings, which are being hidden in the cellar of the cafe, Rene becomes embroiled in another daring plan by the Resistance. This time they are trying to send the two British airmen home in two captured German landmines!
Rene is ordered to hand over to General Von Klinkerhoffen the two valuable paintings he has been hiding to sell after the war. The General then sells them to a Swedish art expert for a million in gold bars. Rene steals four of these gold bars and tries to elope to Switzerland with Yvette on the night train. Unfortunately, for one reason or another, everyone ends up on the same train!
Rene is trying to elope with Yvette, and with the four gold bars he stole from General Von Klinkerhoffen , on the night train to Switzerland. However, he finds he has company. In fact everyone seems to be travelling with them. To further thwart his plans, the Resistance are going to blow up the train!
Rene is still trying to hide the gold he has stolen from General Von Klinkerhoffen ; the Colonel, Gruber and Helga are trying to recover the paintings they had hidden in a statue, which is now in the General's possession. And the Resistance want to steal the Enigma Encoding Machine, also in the General's possession. A dance at the General's chateau gives rise to another plan.
In the eyes of the world, Rene is supposed to be dead and therefore is masquerading as his twin brother. This means that he is not really married to Edith, and Edith's admirer, Monsieur Alfonse decides to pursue his courtship and propose and she accepts. The news shocks Rene, not so much because he will lose Edith, but rather because he would lose the cafe and everything in it, including the four bars of gold he has stolen from General Von Klinkerhoffen. Only one thing can save the situation: Rene must marry Edith ...
Rene is still hiding the four bars of gold he has stolen and he decides it is time he left his dangerous life in Nouvion.
René is still harbouring the German Enigma coding machine as well as the four bars of gold he has stolen; the two British airmen; the painting of the Fallen Madonna by Von Clomp; and the painting of the Cracked Vase with the big daisies by Van Gogh. So the cafe is rather full, and as the story progresses it becomes positively crowded
A powerful radio transmitter has been erected beneath the tomb of Rene Artois (twin brother, you will remember, of Rene Artois ). Rene tries to send a message to London to inform them of the plan to return the British airmen, but gets a little carried away ...
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen of the Gestapo plan to infiltrate the Resistance disguised as British airmen. So do the Italians, led by Captain Bertorelli. Little do they know that Rene and friends are waiting for them, heavily disguised. Little does Boris Karloff know that his former make-up artist is now working for the Resistance....
Private Helga Geerhart undertakes to marry Herr Flick of the Gestapo in order to report his every move to General Von Klinkerhoffen.
When the British airmen are arrested paddling a tin bath down the estuary, Rene and his staff are instructed to rescue them from the chateau in coffins. All goes to plan until M Alfonse challenges M Leclerc to a duel....
Michelle of the Resistance plans to infiltrate German headquarters to rescue the British airmen, using hijacked German uniforms. Who will fit them? Officer Crabtree reckons Rene's chances are farty to one.
Cafe Rene is the venue for a clandestine deal involving a solid gold cuckoo clock weight, the Portrait of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Von Klomp , and five anonymous characters wearing paper bags over their heads who answer to the names of Colonel X, Lieutenant X, Captain X, Private X and X.
Fanny and Leclerc's wedding is timed to coincide with the execution of Michelle's most audacious escape plan to date.
Michelle of the Resistance has an audacious escape plan for the British airmen. It involves a barrage balloon, a wedding marquee and 24 cylinders of helium disguised as prize-winning marrows.
Newlyweds Fanny and Leclerc are sent to jail by the Germans for flying around in a bed attached to a balloon. Much to Rene's horror, Edith decides to rescue them. But her plans are thwarted by a loose bedknob.
General Von Flockenstoffen plans to launch a suicidal raid to kidnap Churchill.
Rene is sentenced to death by the Communist Resistance for collaboration. He decides to flee to England with Yvette.
Rene and Edith, transported to England in the place of the British airmen, get medals from Churchill.
Rene is made editor of the local paper; Michelle plans to build a raft to float the airmen back to England.
The German officers burgle Gestapo headquarters, but find a ghostly apparition has got there before them.
The Resistance is short of money. Michelle enlists Rene to help recover the painting of the Fallen Madonna to sell for Resistance funds. There is only one problem: it is in the safe in Herr Flick 's dungeon. The Colonel, Gruber and Bertorelli are also after the painting and decide to burgle Gestapo headquarters - but a ghostly apparition gets there before them.
The British airmen are trapped in wine barrels in the cellars of the chateau. They must be rescued before the Germans sample the claret.
The British airmen are stuck down the drain in the village square. Rene plans to get them out - with the help of an old ice-cream van.
Michelle plans to release the British airmen from the drain in the square under cover of a gypsy fair.
Rene and company disguise themselves as Spanish dancers to recover battle equipment from the chateau.
Still searching for the Fallen Madonna, Herr Flick gives Helga a truth drug.
It's Rene's birthday! Surprises include a car from Edith, a wink from Hitler and a bomb from the Resistance.
Renee has organised a secret wedding with Yvette, but things have a habit of not going quite according to plan.
Herr Flick and Von Smallhausen almost meet their maker in front of a firing squad.
Michelle plans to swap an eel containing the Fallen Madonna for a dogfish containing ten million francs.
What's happened to Rene and Edith? And why is Michelle singing a duet with Crabtree?
The Colonel and Gruber finally return from Spain.
Captured by the communists, Rene is looking for a way to escape. Flick and Von Smallhausen try to fool Edith by pretending they are English.
Having escaped from the Communist Resistance, Rene now has to go into hiding. But where is he?
Trying to get a secret message to England proves a problem.
It is the day of the Nouvion Fishmonger's Parade, but Von Klinkerhoffen, Gruber and the Colonel are heading for Berlin on a special mission.
The moment Nouvion has been waiting for: Rene and Edith greet the Allies and the war is over. But not the surprises.
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